Rage.

February 7, 2009

right now my blood is boiling, anger is consuming me. i am so sick and disgusted by the fucking scum and shit that surrounds me here. the garbage, the beggers, the filth, the dirty fucking junkies and their fucking needles and the withdrawl and the track marks and the stolen money and the lies. the horror of this town.

i hate him so much. i fucking despise him and his actions. his LIES. his blatent fucking lies to my face. having my friends lie for him. the money. the fucking money for bills and rent. shot into his veins. his swollen red pin-pricked veins. his eyes. his ugly disgusting avoidant liar eyes. pin-prick pupils. his hands. i always loved them so much. his long gorgeous fingers were just so beautiful to me. precise. i used to think to myself the day i'm not in love with his hands anymore is the day i know it's over. now they're covered in scabs and holes. swollen. unrecognizable. what a fucking metaphor.

i am so livid i could explode right now. the endless tears i have cried for this piece of shit loser that cares more about heroin then he ever cared about me. i will never get back the hours i sat here worrying. the endless nights and lost sleep. the classes i cut, friends i avoided. pictures i never took. galleries never visited, movies never seen. dinners never eaten. birthdays and holidays destroyed. my heart shattered forever.

i will never get back the last year and a half from my life that he has stolen. i will never recover from being so tremendously hurt by someone i thought loved me above all. i will never forget the terrible words that are stuck on repeat in my brain. all of the things that have been broken and destroyed cannot be fixed.

my wedding dress will sit in my closet back home, unworn. this is all like a really bad joke someone is playing on me.

i will never trust anyone again. EVER. about anything. i will be wary of anyone who attempts to get close to me.

i will have flashbacks of myself crying hysterically and him laughing in my face. mocking me and my gut wrenching pain. kicking me when i'm down. being slapped in the face. being held down and having food shoved in my face. my purse being ripped apart. wanting to die. praying that i just die.

praying for help from anyone. for strength even. god.

being sick and puking my guts out and having him tell me to fuck off and shoving me off the bed. that whore pulling up to his driveway and him claiming to know nothing about it. the money stolen from m tucked neatly into his sock. in full.
him saying he will only come to bed with me if i fuck him. leaving when i refuse.

HOW HAVE I DONE THIS? HOW CAN I BE TREATED LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT AND TAKE IT? I HAVE ZERO SELF-RESPECT.

I HATE MY LIFE AND WHAT IT HAS BECOME. I HATE HIM AND I HATE MYSELF.

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN.

I WANT TO HOLD ONTO THIS ANGER FOR AS LONG AS I CAN. I WANT TO USE IT TO BETTER MYSELF.