The good, the bad, the recovery.

Originally posted on March 17, 2009 on The Junkies' Wives Club

I haven't written in quite some time and I suppose now is a good time for an update. My bf has been clean for about 2 weeks now. I know it isn't much but to him it's huge. He's also been off the Suboxone for about a week. His attitude is terrible, he is constantly moody, depressed and irritable. He has zero interest in me or any activities he usually enjoys. I guess this is to be expected right?

I feel pretty damn stagnant in my own recovery. Since getting laid off back in December, I spend most of my time at home with him. I've been slacking off in school to the point where I had to drop a couple of classes due to lack of attendance. Since I am here all the time I meddle big time in his recovery and can't seem to just stop! I usually keep his cell phone on me and always monitor who he is talking to/texting when he does use it. He hasn't tried to do anything with friends or even leave the apartment in quite some time. He seems pretty disinterested in anything. We did have a joint birthday party a few weeks ago and he seemed to enjoy that, we had a good time. I know my constant codie behavior needs to be kept in check for my own sake. I can't baby-sit him my whole life like he's a toddler. It's not good for him or myself. But since I'm here so much it's almost impossible not to.

Being around him and his sullen attitude for the last few weeks is driving me nuts! I am working on a film project for school and decided to make a music video for one of his songs (he's a musician). He seemed super excited at first, writing out all these ideas and wanted to shoot. Now it's impossible to even get him off the couch to do any work at all. He accuses me of not being able to do anything for myself when I get angry at him for not coming with me to the the Manhattan to work on the project (after he makes repeated promises to do this). Then he has the nerve to say he's "too sick" to go to the drug store and pick up his thyroid medicine, so I have to do it for him. It frustrates me to no end. He's also been smoking a lot of pot and I'm not particularly fond of that either. It]s like he's traded in one drug for another.

He had an appointment with his radiation oncologist this week and getting him to that was like pulling teeth. He acts like I bother him to do these things just to torture him. It seems like he has no regard for his health and well-being. I feel like why the hell should I even care if he doesn't?!

Ugh, so much complaining I know. We did decide this summer we are going to go on a cross-country trip. He thinks it will be good for his recovery and it will be nice to get away from the city for awhile. I plan on visiting my half-sister in CA that I haven't seen since I was a kid. I'm just hoping hoping hoping that his attitude and demeanor will improve by then. He has talked about attending NA meetings several times but just can't seem to find the motivation to do anything. In some ways I don't blame him because I know because of his cancer he's legitimately NOT feeling well, plus kicking dope is no easy task on the mind or body. But sometimes I just want to shake him and scream "goddamnit do something!" He can't even walk to friggin dog for Christ's sake.

Can anyone give me any feedback/advice on dealing with early recovery? I try as hard as I can to be patient but it is seriously dwindling. Especially when he treats me like crap and really disregards my feelings. Thanks for listening.