Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Originally posed January 27, 2009 on The Junkies' Wives Club

Well, my fiance has returned home after his two week stint in NJ at his mother's to work on getting clean. It was unsuccessful, but of course he would never admit to that. He stole pain killers from his mother, went out several nights without coming home and was very obviously using. He was also hanging around his ex-gf (former addict) and my gut feeling tells me he was cheating.

I thought him being gone would give me some peace of mind - no addict around to make everything in my life difficult. I actually felt WORSE with him not being here. I ate very little and barely slept at all. All I could think about was what he was doing and if he still loved me (he wasn't exactly showing it when I spoke to him). He seemed very moody and distant, not wanting to talk to me.

He returned this weekend and things were great. We were thrilled to see each other and were really enjoying each other's company. That is until the ex started texting him which bothered me to no end. Then of course he gets angry at me for being upset and concerned.

Today when I got home from class he was locked in the bathroom. The little bit of money I gave him had been "lost". There was a burned bottle cap and a little cup of water in the bathroom. Then his pinned eyes and giddy attitude. He's using again. Like I should expect anything differently.

I don't know what to do. I wish I was stronger, had more confidence. Without him I fall apart, with him I'm miserable. I know everyone says to concentrate on "YOU" but I feel like there is no "me" without him. I know that's pathetic and lame, but it's truly how I feel. I find no joy in anything, I can't seem to pull myself together. I miss class and become a hermit. I rarely see my friends, I just lay around the house all day., discontent and depressed.

How do I get myself out of this black hole? Will I ever be "me" again?