It Never Ends.

Originally posted on May 5, 2009 on The Junkies' Wives Club

I am so frustrated and depressed right now I just want to rip my hair out and smash everything around me.
A little over a month ago my bf moved out, leaving for New Jersey to stay with his mom. It was hard to see him go but I was relieved to be rid of the drama. After he was in NJ for about a week he moved in with an old friend (kind of like his Godmother) who had an extra room. I visited him twice and he came here once to see me. While he had gotten off the heroin, he was still smoking pot and drinking. I wasn't thrilled about it, but it was nice to see his nice big pupils for once and he seemed to be doing much better in that respect. He treated me great, no arguments or the usual chaotic shit that surrounds him.

A few days ago I had a personal problem (rather not go into detail) which was very upsetting and traumatic for me. More than anything I just needed him to be here and really wanted his support and compassion. He was originally going to come home this Wednesday so we could head to Long Island to look at some potential houses (we're planning on relocating in June). He told me he would come out a day early to be here for me.

The minute he walked in the door I could see that he was high. I couldn't believe it. After kicking for a month he goes and does this again, at a time when I needed him more than ever. He's been a complete asshole the entire night and I wish he never came. I tried to sit down with him and pour out my feelings and he got up and left, saying he doesn't give a shit. I'm astonished at his lack of concern and the way that he doesn't give a shit whatsoever. It hurts more than anyone could imagine and I'm reeling inside from the pain.

Why do I let my hopes up just to be crushed time and time again? Wtf is wrong with me? I HATE this. I finally thought this time the fog was clearing and I could see the light. I'm so disgusted with him and myself for believing in him. Ugh!!!!!!