We're watching you.

After my boyfriend returned and then subsequently relapsed, he went back to his mom's in Jersey for a couple of days so he could have a Pet Scan done to see if his cancer had spread anywhere else other than where the doctors already knew it was.

I was highly suspicious that he cheated on me with his ex while he was gone like I mentioned in my previous blog. After he was home for a day or two I intercepted some of his text messages from her and it was clear that they had been doing heroin together. I remember how sickened I was by this and how the money he had begged off me had gone to buy him and his ex drugs.

The morning he was leaving to go back to NJ, his ex texted him while he was asleep. She asked what time he would be coming out and if he could bring drugs with him. I texted back pretending to be him. She instructed him to get a "bomb" which apparently is 10 bags. This girl is also the mother of a 4 year old and while of course my bf is to blame for all of this bullshit going on, I directed a lot of my anger at her. What kind of mother does heroin with her ex (who is engaged?) I was beyond disgusted and honestly just wanted to go to NJ myself so I could either strangle her or report her to Child Protective Services. My bf eventually woke up and saw the messages and stormed off to NJ without any sort of explanation. This is what I wrote that evening:

January 28, 2009

so d called me tonight. he rarely calls me. i always call first. he was sweet, just checking in and saying hello. he chatted for a bit and then he said he had to go. five minutes later his mother called. she had just chased v (the ex) out of the driveway. she wanted to let me know. of course. that's why he called me. he wanted to smooth everything over and prevent me from calling him for awhile. d called me a minute later after his mother and i had hung up. acting angry for no reason, accusing me of being mad (even though i played it cool, i wanted to see what he would say and i didn't bring it up). he hung up on me. i called him right back. asked what he had wanted. he said just a facebook question, no big deal. i told him that i thought maybe he was calling to see if i knew his mother had prevented v from picking him up. he became irate, accusing me of "playing games" and having a conspiracy with his mother. he turned everything around on ME. the funny thing is I QUESTION whether or not i did something wrong. it's so fucked up and sad that i have to question these things. the amount of guilt, blame and anger he directs at me because HE fucked up and is caught is tremendous. he loves to put the attention on me, accusing me of asinine shit. it's a defense tactic that always seems to work pretty well for him. not anymore. i want to be able and look back at this shit and LAUGH. laugh at how pathetic he is and what a fucking idiot he makes of himself. laugh at the fact that people like this actually exist. laugh because if i don't i'll cry. look back and say "shit, what the fuck were you thinking?? you are SO much better than that" because i am. because you don't treat "the love of your life" like this. you don't lie. steal. hurt over and over and over again. you don't make them feel like they are worthless. you don't take the money you make that should go towards your bills and living expenses and buy heroin to do with your ex girlfriend with. normal people DON'T do that. they just don't. it's obscene, selfish, just plain FUCKED UP.

i never pictured i would end up with someone i let walk all over me, use me, steal from me, lie to me, make me cry endless tears, make me feel like i'm not worth shit. i would be laughing and saying "yeah right!" if i had a magic crystal ball when i was 14 years old that let me see my life 10 years later. i'm not who i wanted to be. i'm far from it. i'm what i would have called "weak and pathetic". well, it's time to fix that. it's time to stand up, dust yourself off, say "see ya later!" and go back to being YOU. you get one life, and what you do with it counts. now is your shot. take it.

The reason my bf's mother chased his ex out of the driveway is because even though she's a God fearing Christian, she HATES v. When my bf was younger and hooked on dope for the first time, the ex is who he got hooked with. Together they stole his mom's checkbook and she had them arrested. Needless to say she's still not a big fan, especially since she's well aware of the shit he's been getting into. So her meddling came in handy to me that night.... she screamed at v to "get the hell off her property and never come back."
Mother and girlfriend co-codies..... but sometimes it just feels so good!