A new beginning.

The two of us are dying.

So this is my first post. After combing the web searching for any answers, comfort and solace that's bound to be out there, I was inspired to create something of my own after finding "The Junky's Wife" blog. It seems as though somehow my experiences and mixed up feelings have somehow been channeled through TJW, reading her numerous postings made me question as to whether or not I've got some sort of sleep writing abilities.

I'm not exactly sure where to start, as I've got oodles to say but am torn between the right amount of information to begin with and how much I want to reveal.

I suppose I'll just start writing and see what spills out and where it takes me.

I decided to start this blog because I need an outlet to vent my frustration, fear, anger, sadness and who knows? Maybe someday my happiness as well. Bashing in the keyboard while having Notepad open just wasn't cutting it anymore.

And why am I experiencing these fucking vile emotions and why do I feeling like my existence is just living in hell on earth? Because my boyfriend, my "fiancee" is a hopeless heroin addict and his addiction is dragging me right under with him. Not in a sense that I also do dope, I'm addicted in the sense that I am co-dependent or "addicted to his addiction". My life is currently based solely around him and his problems. His wants, his needs, his pain. My life is not my own.

I need to fix this problem. I need it fixed immediately. I needed it fixed yesterday. I needed it fixed a year ago. I am such a miserable unproductive fuck and I just want to be more than that.
It's 8:30 pm and I'm exhausted from my daily rituals of dealing with this disease. The lies and addicty behavior just zap the life right out of me. I'm consumed and I can't even move. All I want is some fucking rest and peace of mind.

I want to write more, much more but it's going to have to wait. Dealing with a 31 year old man-child and his selfish dick ways are too much for me today.

I'll be back.
-Sweet Surrender



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I wrote this is Notepad on Decemeber 11, 2008, a week before I started this blog.
It kind of sums everything up.

it's gone. all of it. i know that when all i want is a hug and a kiss and an 'i love you' and what i get is hands around my throat being shoved into a wall. why? for not being able to give you more than my last 10 dollars. for not letting you walk away.

what has this relationship come to? i am a doormat, a punching bag. i am worthless. i'm a baby. i'm not good enough. i'm the kind of person who gets held down on the bed and food shoved into their face. i get my things broken and am stolen from. i get called every name in the book. when i cry because of it i am mocked and ridiculed. my feelings are not important. my body and mind are not of concern.

i want to know what i did to deserve this. i know it can't be because of anything i have done. i loved the most i knew how to. i gave my all. i gave love, sweat, tears, support, strength and anything else i could. i never knew i could hurt this much. i never knew he could hurt this much. i don't know where to find the strength to go on.

i'm not going to eat today. maybe i won't even leave this bed. but i do know that today my head will be lost in the fog, wondering why the person that i thought loved and cherished me could possibly make me feel like i don't even deserve to be alive. the tears will continue to stream down my face until i figure out a way to make the hurt stop pulsating through my veins and ringing in my brain.

the phone keeps ringing. the bill collectors keep calling. the rent still isn't paid. i'm already late for class. the house is filty. the dog needs to be walked. i have one dollar. my body hurts. d fucking hates me and nothing i can do or say or fucking bleed out of my genuine heart will ever fucking fix it and i hate it all. i hate it here. this is absolute hell. why can't he just hug me and tell me he loves me? that everything is going to be okay. that i have someone who loves me and is my friend. that conforts me when i am afraid and holds me when i'm crying. i don't want to be lied to anymore. talked down to. stolen from. pushed around. being made to feel like the most worthless piece of shit that has ever walked the earth. because i CARE!

i love d. i still do after everything. because i don't want to believe this is really him and i want to forget that this is happening. all i keep playing over and over in my brain is the wonderful times we had. when we first met, the excitement and attraction that i felt and how much he fasinated me and i just couldn't stay away. the nights in the hotel that went by so fast. when we started living together and doing things like grocery shopping and making plans for our future. the days we spent laughing and kissing and just being so in love. i miss the nights we stayed up not wanting to go to sleep just because we would be apart. we would make up silly games to play to just stay awake. i miss getting text messages while we were both at work saying how much he loved me and missed me. i miss waking up and driving him to work in the morning, i didn't even care how early it was, i was happy just to be with him that much longer. i even miss when he was sick, not him being sick but the way he appreciated me and knew how much i loved him and i knew how much i was loved back. watching him suffer was awful but seeing in his eyes how much he loved me helped me get through it and know that he was going to be fine and we would be happier than ever.

i just want it back. sometimes when he's sober i get a glimmer of hope. i see his old self emerge for a minute. but it always goes away again.

i guess there is nothing i can do. give up, admit defeat. be sad that it's gone but happy that it happened. althought i doubt the happiness with come anytime soon.

another tuesday. another broken promise, more lies. more hurt. more deceit. more let downs.
i feel so alone. no one understands this gut wrenching pain. the endless hurt.
he doesn't care. if he cared he would stop. he sees what i am going through and does nothing to make it right.

if there was anything i could do to help, i would. i've tried it all. i put myself out there over and over again only to be shunned and yelled at. merely for trying!

it's a vicious cycle and no end is in sight. i feel hopeless. abandoned. robbed of a life that could have been wonderful and fulfilling, full of love and hope for a great future. now all i see is shit and decay.

k told me he has written him off. he's no longer someone that he wants to associate with. j told me all about the time d spent "getting clean" on long island which involved him doing dope and offering it to him and l who for some reason did a bag each. he told me how d was passing out mid sentence in the chair and behaving irratically and crazy. as upsetting as this was to hear at the same time it's somewhat conforting to know that other people can see this terrible out of control problem as well. 

it makes me sick to look at him. i cringe when i see his eyes and his pinpoint pupils. he always quickly looks away, ashamed? i'm at the end. i've tried my very best. it's up to him to do something for himself now. all i do is constantly try to guide him in the right direction, nugding that turns into pushing and pulling. if it were up to him he would just turn around and head back to where he came from. or maybe just collapse and sit in the middle of the street.

i want to scream. i want to punch and flail out and pull hair.

i never knew life could be this bad. we all dream about our perfect futures and finding the perfect prince charming. we never imagine things could be so goddamn horrifying. i can't seem to wake up from this nightmare. i hate people who make this shit possible. i hate drug dealers, i hate fucking losers like fats, kane, etc. i hate the lying. i hate the destructiveness. i despise all of the accompanying behaviors that come with the addiction. i hate being all alone, my needs and feelings pushed aside and forgotten.