Letter.

February 3, 2009

even though you gave up on it, i read your note.
all of the reasons you listed for quitting are very valid and good reasons to stop. i can't think of any reasons at all why NOT to stop.

i don't want to think you're a lost cause or hopeless, but i can't help feeling that way sometimes. you've been doing this for so long and every attempt has failed. i don't believe it has to be that way though. you have so many people who care about you and want to see you get out of this black hole. you have every resource to do so, the only thing you really need and are missing is willpower. strength. it's not going to be easy. you have to fight your inner demons every hour of every day for this to be successful. you need to think about that list you wrote and reason with yourself whenever you are feeling vunerable and weak.

a program will help you remember those reasons and keep you thinking positively. suboxone will help the physical symptoms. but i know it's the mental addiction that is probably the hardest part to kick.

doing this yourself has proven to be unsuccessful. it's very rare that someone can just make the decision to quit by themselves and it actually works. and taking on a job at this point isn't a priority. if anything it is going to hinder your recovery. you're not a point where that seems neccessary for your recovery. i'm telling you this because i've seen it happen with you before and i want what is best for you.

you're at a point in your life where this isn't a game anymore. you're not some kid who's just messing around, a phase to be grown out of. you're an adult with responsibilities and purpose.

i don't want to make you feel more guilty than you already do, but you know how much you've hurt me. turning this problem around and showing me that you are ready, willing and able to change will allow my wounds to begin to heal. i can learn how to trust again and have faith in you. those things are so important to me.

you need to admit that you are weak and powerless over your addiction and go from there. you can say you want to quit and mean it over and over again, but it doesn't mean anything until you do what's needed to show this.

today marks 1 straight week of you being high. not a single day has passed that you didn't use, and most days is was A LOT. this really saddens me. things have just spiraled out of control.

every day i worry that it's your last. i don't know what i would do if this shit killed you. i don't even want to think about it. you have SO much to live for. you're so talented and such a wonderful person and i miss being around the d that i fell in love with.