I just can't quit you baby.

I'm wondering how after all the drama I endured when my bf was still here it's even possible that lately I feel WORSE. I had assumed once I had some piece of mind and a little freedom from dealing with his addict-antics things in my own life would immediately improve, but I was dead wrong.

Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since he left for his mom's in New Jersey. I visited him this past weekend, mainly because his mother informed me he was constantly going out drinking and that he stole a ton of her pain pills and she couldn't take his behavior anymore. I also know that he has been talking to an ex-girlfriend whom I'm not particularly fond of, and that's been driving me mad. My codie-craziness convinced to go out there and "fix" things, since clearly I've been so great at doing that. Another part of me (a very very big part) is going nuts without him, I miss him more and more everyday. He's been very withdrawn and moody on the phone, often not calling at all. I suppose I thought a visit would help me see that he does still love me and that all of this torture I put myself through has not been in vain.

I arrived on Saturday afternoon. His mother had told me he hadn't even come home the night before, that he had gotten drunk and stayed at a friend's house. I had barely slept all of Friday night, knowing he was out, wondering what (or who) he was doing. He and his mother picked me up from the train station and I gave him a quick kiss and a half-hearted hug. He said "what, you're going to be mad at me all weekend?" I said no.

Back at his house, things started out great. He seemed really genuinely happy to see me. We cuddled and kissed and had sex and just relaxed together like this whole chaotic mess of the last year and a half never even happened. Towards the end of the night he seemed a bit more withdrawn, but I let it go. The next day he was ridiculously grumpy and MEAN on top of it. He said some very hurtful things, usually stemmed from me questioning him about why he has been talking to his ex and what his motives are. I can't understand why he gets so pissed if there is nothing going on. I guess he feels like I pry to much, but after all the bullshit lies he's told me, what the fuck does he expect? Me to just hand him my trust? C'mon. I do admit he is not the cheating type and it would be out of character for him to do something like that, but I am suspicious by nature when it comes to being unfaithful. By the time I left Monday afternoon he was openly calling me names in front of his mother because I had refused to give him the cash he had asked for. I told him I would give it to his mother and she could hold it. He flipped out saying that he's "a man and is treated like a baby." Well, that is true. He has to be in order to maintain staying clean. His mother agree with me and we tried to reason with him but he wasn't very receptive. I left feeling worse than I did when I arrived.

The last few days he's been somewhat better. He had another tooth pulled that had been causing him a lot of pain and that helped his demeanor A LOT. He seemed upbeat and happy to be feeling so much better (and he did not take any pain medication). Yesterday he hung out with some friends and I could tell he was drinking again. I didn't want to start a fight so I didn't give him any shit about it. He also neglected to call me for most of the day which really annoyed me.

As for the ex, I checked the call logs and saw that they are still texting somewhat frequently. It's to the point where I'm obsessing over it so much I'm having nightmares. I can't understand why he feels the need to talk to her when he knows it drives me crazy. I've asked him repeatedly to NOT talk to her but he just doesn't get it. We had an argument on the phone earlier today and he really lost his temper and hung up on me. I HATE it when he does that. He later apologized but I'm still not happy. My stomach is in knots thinking he doesn't love me any more. I know right now he's going through a tough time but I can't help but take his behavior very personally. I'm having trouble eating and sleeping. My mind races all day. I've been skipping classes and just driving myself insane. I need to detatch myself from this so badly. I can't just sit here and wonder all day what he's doing while my own life passes me by. And this is so much easier said than done.

I wonder if he even wants to be with me. If he wants to come back home and work out the mess of our relationship. It seems like a pretty daunting task. And given the fact that he's so indifferent towards me I can't imagine why he would. I can't imagine why I would after everything he's put me through. But for some reason I can't let go. I'm holding on with all my strength. I hope it's worth it.

It's all so hard.

I haven't seen him in 5 days. At first, I was relieved. No screaming matches, no bawling my head off in desperation, and I could leave my wallet wherever I wanted to with no worries about my money being stolen.

He made the decision to go to a detox center last Thursday night. This gigantic step forward was made after his mother became involved in the situation. After 4 days of being clean he couldn't take it anymore. After I refused to give him any money he called his mother and begged for cash, telling her we were broke and couldn't even afford food. His mother became suspicious and called me, and I told her the fridge was stocked and my bf was jut itching for dope. She called him back and told him she was not going to give him money for drugs. He lost it. After breaking some glassware and the television remote, he repeatedly called his mother, cursing her out and threatening to kill himself. She just just kept hanging up. Then he started text messaging her saying he was not going to get treatment for his cancer if she didn't give in to his demands. Crying, she called me and said she didn't know what to do. She told me to give him the money and she would replace it in my bank account. I wasn't thrilled at all by her decision and reluctantly obliged. That evening, after much researching on the internet I found a detox center that was willing to take him even without insurance. His mother and I talked it over and I made the difficult choice of having to tell him it was rehab or he had to leave. He agreed that his addiction was out of control and it was time to do this. His mother said she would come into the city the following morning to accompany us.

The next morning I woke up early to find him staring blankly at the muted television, watching Sesame Street in silence. I asked him if he were ready for this. He said no, he would not go unless I gave him $20. The previous morning's battle was repeated once more, him calling his mother and begging for money once more. Again, she gave in. He said he wanted to go into detox feeling good. He got to the hospital in the early afternoon. I called the doctor and told him we had arrived. He informed me that an gastrointestinal virus had broken out in the detox ward and they had been forced to shut down and were not admitting new patients. My heart sank. I gave him and his mother the news. As to be expected, he wasn't quite heart broken. "Okay well that's that. Let's go home." I looked at him. "You know that's not an option. I'm not letting you come back this time honey." He lost it, yelling and cursing and both me and his mother "fuck you both!" All 3 of us stood on the sidewalk on first avenue just wondering what new chaos and drama was about to erupt. His mother said "Come stay with me in Jersey... you'll be comfortable and I'll help you through it." This idea was less than fantastic I thought, as the last time he decided to go to his mom's to clean up all he did was party with his old friends and continued to be sneaky. He didn't have any real intention to get clean. But what other options were there at this point? I nodded with an unsure look on my face and he agreed to go. We returned to our apartment, he gathered up his things and off they went.

I talk to him several times a day. Sometimes he's in a good mood, but usually he's short and doesn't have much to say. His mother gives me daily updates of his progress. At first he stayed in the house without going out at all. Now he visits an old friend whom he plays music with. The last 2 days he's been smoking pot and drinking. His mother, while not crazy about it, doesn't stop it. "Well, he's not doing heroin" is her logic. It makes me angry that he's doing this. That's not how you fucking recover. It's not party time. It's get your shit together time. He says he couldn't take it and just needed something to help him get by. I don't understand his thinking at all. Just a typical addict. Always needing something to get by.

I'm feeling pretty depressed today. Despite the fact that living with him has been a nightmare lately, I miss him so much. I want to hold him and kiss him more than anything. I want him to feel the same way and it's killing me that he probably doesn't although he says he does. I'm afraid he's going to fuck up, hang out with old friends who are bad influences. I'm afraid he's going to cheat on me. I worry, worry, worry and it doesn't fucking help at all. I worry when he's here, I worry when he's gone, my life is just one big worry-fest. For a few days I was feeling pretty good. Psyched that I had a $20 bill in my purse for 3 whole days without it disappearing. I went to class on Monday and didn't sprint home to make sure all was quiet on the western front. I went to the library and hung out with a few friends. I felt like me again. Not once did I cry myself to sleep.

My dog Elsa, that I left behind at my parent's house, died this weekend. She was old and lived a good life but it's still so hard to accept, especially now. My bf didn't really have much of a reaction and didn't offer any words of comfort and that hurt. It kills me that he's so emotionless and robotic. He used to be the most compassionate person I ever met. Now he's cold and blank, emotionally retarded. It kills me.

Will I ever get him back? Will he ever be the person I fell in love with again? Will the spark ever return to his eyes? Is it stupid to continue to wish and wish and try to hope that this problem will be erased? I NEED these answers. I need him.

That shit you say, it can really hurt me.

The last few days have been a complete nightmare. I had envisioned (and hoped) that when my boyfriend found out about his cancer and his serious condition that it would snap him back into reality and that he'd decide to change his life around for the better. Wishful thinking as usual.

Twice in 2 days he snuck into my purse and stole my money. I was truly shocked the first time, usually it never leaves my watchful trained eye. The second time he locked me out of the apartment, went through my wallet and then ran out before I had a chance to stop him. This all happened in front of my roommate and I was mortified. The same day he threatened to kill himself and told me he would do whatever it takes to get his dope, even if it means selling his own possessions. Needless to say, I was horrified and had no idea what to do.

It's hard, it's so unbelievably fucking hard. I know he is hurting and depressed because of his failing health and this is a huge factor in why I just don't say go fuck yourself, have a nice life, and kick him out of the house. I feel like it will only be a matter of time before he is dead and I love him too much to see this happen. The pain and guilt of that would be too much to bear.

Yesterday morning was the day he had PROMISED to go to the Medicaid office and then look into rehab or a treatment program of some sort. He refused to get up in the morning and told me there was nothing I could do to get him to stop using. I told him that he needed to leave if he was not going to seek help. He told me I can't make him. Then he slept the entire day. In true codie behavior, I snooped through his things and took away his phone and wallet. Anything that will slow him down from getting that shit. What I was really interested in was finding were his keys were. He hangs out a lot in our storage space in the basement where he has all of his musical equipment and recording devices. That's where he does his drugs. I've had a sneaking suspicion that lately he's been using needles. I found out that Fats now uses them and since my bf found out the bad news I knew there was nothing stopping him from becoming more self destructive. After lots of quietly searching around, I found the keys hidden above the kitchen cabinets. Once I was in the storage space, I opened the middle drawer in his desk. Not at all to my surprised a syringe was hidden in the back. I wanted to vomit. Fucking DISGUSTING. I called his mom right away and you know what? Almost NO reaction. I couldn't believe how lax and nonchalant her attitude was. What kind of mother is she?

Later on that evening, I calmly confronted him. He looked sheepishly at me and half smiled. "How did you get in there?" I told him it didn't matter and what was important was that his actions were completely out of control and that this needs to end. Now. He agreed and said he is fucking up hardcore and needs to get his shit together. It's never reassuring anymore.

Today was miserable. He's so moody and distant, and I suppose that's to be expected. And I can't help but take it personally. I know he feels terrible but I was going out of my way to be nice to him, staying supportive and telling him I'm here for him if he truly does want to get clean. He told me he's worthless and I shouldn't stick around with such a shitty boyfriend. He said we should just break it off now. He makes me so fucking upset when he's like that. You would figure he'd be happy that I'm here for him, but in his mind he wants to leave so no one is breathing down his neck hindering his drug consumption. I know this is not the right way to help someone get clean. I KNOW they have to want it for himself and my baby-sitting him is probably not going to help the situation. But I'm such a controlling codie, I want to make everything perfect and just fix it all with my magic powers.

All I want right now is too feel appreciated and cared for. When he's high it's impossible for him to show that, and even if he did I wouldn't want it. When he's not using he's so down and depressed and I want so much for him to reach out to me and for us to just be in love again, but it's wishful thinking and painful letdowns.

Today is day two of being clean and just making it to day three seems like an impossible challenge. I no longer have hope for his miracle recovery, or even a slow steady one. He's still playing music and writing, which is nice because I usually equate those activities with him being high. If only he could take those words on paper and lyrics that spill out of his mouth and apply them for real to this disastrous mess that I'm struggling to clean up for him.

Happy Fucking New Year.

2009 has sure started out great. It began with me begging my bf to get out of bed at 6am so we could make it to his doctor's appointment on Long Island on time. He refused, literally kicking and screaming. Throwing things at me. He was "in too much pain." I told him that my dad had already taken off of work to take us to his appointment and that he was being a huge baby. I told him if he got his ass up we could stop at a 24 hour pharmacy and get the damn pain killers he conned the dentist into prescribing him. That worked of course, but didn't change his terrible mood. And we still missed our train and made it to the Endocrinologist a half hour late.

Once at the appointment the doctor came into the room with a somber look on his face. "I'm sorry, but it is cancer we found." The news, while not shocking, was of course still upsetting. The doctor explained that the cancer had grown and at this point may be inoperable. He recommended checking out some of the surgeons at Sloan Kettering and Colombia to see what they thought. He also told us to make an appointment with his Radiologist, as Radioactive iodine treatment may also be an option. He left the room and gave us a few moments. My boyfriend had no reaction, was completely stone-faced. I gave him a hug and told him everything was going to be just fine. He informed me that he wanted to "refuse treatment and just fucking die." That's the spirit. Although the news certainly wasn't encouraging, it definitely wasn't a death sentence either. The doctor explained that my bf needs to start giving a shit about his health and stop acting so immature (he doesn't know about the drugs either.) He said that since he is young and otherwise healthy, there's no reason to think he won't make it if he gets the proper care and treats his body well. Which means - no drugs, no smoking, cutting down on the alcohol, eating right, etc. etc. All the normal stuff. You would think that getting news like this would make someone re-evaluate how they treat their life right? Nope. We're been back in the city now, almost for an hour. And out the door he went, nasty as ever, refusing to let me come with him. I can't fucking believe him.

Today I went back and saw my doctor again to re-check my blood pressure and to have a physical and get some tests done. While it has come down a little, it was still on the high side. She referred me to see a cardiologist, which scares me to no end. I HATE doctors, especially heart doctors. I have terrible anxiety whenever it comes to anything medical or being sick. Today in the office they gave me an EKG and it was all screwed up because of my pounding fearful heart. Why does this shit happen to me? I'm 24 years old and I have high blood pressure and possible heart issues. Not to mention crippling anxiety. My bf has cancer and a heroin addiction. How many bad things can fucking happen to one person?? I look around at all of my friends and I feel like I'm 70 years old.

I'm so fucking torn at this point. I can't can't CAN'T live with someone who abuses drugs and treats me like I'm worthless. It's all just hurt and lies and anger and bullshit and I can't take it anymore. At the same time how can I leave this person when he has cancer?! I do love him of course, but when do you decide it's time to walk away? Why can't he fucking see that he letting his own life slip right through his fingers?? It's seems like an obvious choice to give up the destructiveness and decide that life is worth more than that. Apparently it's not that easy.