April Fool.

On April 1, 2009 (our 3 year engagement anniversary), D moved out. He went to stay with his mother in New Jersey both to detox/recover and to handle his other medical issues. About a week after he was there he decided to rent a room from a family friend (kind of like a Godmother) because she had more space and also because she's a musician too and had a lot of instruments he could mess with there.

As happy as I was to finally have some peace in my apartment, I really truly missed him and felt incredibly alone. It was like he took this huge chunk of me with him and never even looked back. He left me in the dust.

April 6, 2009


it seems that during the course of your love affair with heroin, you left me for her.
i sit in this room, feeling so alone. everything is just empty. my bed, my heart. you took most of me with you when you left and i'm struggling to make what remains be able to function. it feels like trying to walk a mile with no feet.
i think about you, your disinterested attitude and cold responses. lack of anything. where did it all go? down down down and away, filled in by needle in your arm, opiates in your brain. rain drips on my window and somehow it's on my face too. your shirt crumpled on the floor, socks in a disarray on the dresser. where did you go?
my stomach is in knots. i just want to kiss you face, smell your hair. lace my fingers through your long ones. feel again.

it's not about me.