Silent Snowfall.

I woke up this morning to snow actually sticking to the ground and continuing to fall in big chunks from the sky. I'm not exactly one of those people that gets giddy over seeing a snowflake, but I really do like the silence that always seems to accompany snowfall. The whole world feels like it's at a standstill and it drowns out all the noise in my head.

Last night I decorated my Christmas tree. It wasn't all that enjoyable. Every night for quite awhile now I've been getting these terrible pounding headaches in my forehead, near my temples and around my eyes. Not sure if this is related to my sinuses, stress or my high blood pressure which i never got taken care of. Either way, it sucks and makes me feel miserable and useless.

The tree actually looks pretty good for a $7 falsie from some dollar store. I put red skull lights on it and made it a little more "Nightmare Before Christmas"-y. Bringing out the old ornaments and putting them on made me think about last Christmas. How nothing has changed whatsoever. Both times my boyfriend has been completely high as he helped me decorate the tree. I remember sitting near the tree while he was in rehab last year, just staring at it. Wondering why I had to sit there alone. Feeling completely miserable and certainly not full of holiday cheer. Feeling exactly the same as I do now.

I had to force him to go to bed at 3:30am. I couldn't take his recording, cleaning and standard ritual of basically running around the house doing everything and nothing all at once. I want to fucking scream and cry. I want to bash his fucking head is. What's worse is that he mocks me and makes me feel a million times worse. He just doesn't seem to understand why I want him to go to bed when he's "not tired." Gee, I don't know asshole. Maybe because I can't get any rest with your ridiculous bullshit. Maybe because you pass out in stairwells and with objects that are ON FIRE in your hands and I'm a little worried about my apartment. Maybe because I have no idea what kind of trouble you will get yourself into but mostly because you're obnoxious and loud and IT KEEPS ME AWAKE.

Finally after I begged and pleaded and talked to him in that voice you use with a 3 year-old when reasoning with them, he agreed to go to bed. He was snoring less than a minute after his stupid head hit the pillow. And of course by this point I was too irate to sleep. Sigh. I can't ever win.

Another funny in a not so funny way thing that happened last night was that his ex-girlfriend (with whom I've had a LOT of issues with) decided to send us a Christmas card that featured a beaming picture of her and her baby on it. Thanks. You are just so thoughtful. It's getting hung up right next to our tree. You bitch. Honestly, who does that? She's so self-absorbed and narcissistic she probably honestly saw it as a nice gesture. This girl has some serious issues. As for the card, somehow it accidentally landed on top on a lit candle and caught fire. Can you believe it? Oh, well.

This morning before he left I asked him "Can you please please please not get high today? You don't even have to get me a Christmas present. That can be my present. I just need some peace. Please." He said of course he wouldn't. He would not do it for me. I just looked at his call list. First call after walking out of the door - his dealer. Not surprising his all. I called him and asked him. Why even bother lying to me? He said the call was an accident. That he was trying to call the guy who's house he is working on. These accidental calls, they sure happen a lot. It's funny how it's always a different dealer.

Hopefully the silence of the snow will somehow make it's way into my brain. I wish it could just be a non-stop blizzard in there.