3 years past.

Winter. In a hotel room.

Today I randomly came across some pictures of my boyfriend on some girl's facebook. They were taken about 3 years ago, when he and I first started "hooking up" but not officially dating. Looking at them makes me terribly sad. He was so gorgeous and full of life and funny and I was so in love with him. He was everything that I wanted. Then I look next to me and see him still lying in bed. He's tired and weary and not as easy on the eyes. I put on hand on his chest and he pushes it away. "Get off me" he murmurs. I could never picture him saying "get off me" 3 years ago. 3 years ago he didn't sleep for entire days, terribly moody and angry with the world.

I want it al back. I want his kindness and attentiveness and his humor and his non-stop love. It's not fair. I know that's whiny and babyish but it's really not fucking fair at all.

Sometimes I can't figure out which is worse - when he's high and obnoxios and can't sit still for a minute or when he's straight and sick and he can barely open his eyes.