Happy Fucking New Year.

2009 has sure started out great. It began with me begging my bf to get out of bed at 6am so we could make it to his doctor's appointment on Long Island on time. He refused, literally kicking and screaming. Throwing things at me. He was "in too much pain." I told him that my dad had already taken off of work to take us to his appointment and that he was being a huge baby. I told him if he got his ass up we could stop at a 24 hour pharmacy and get the damn pain killers he conned the dentist into prescribing him. That worked of course, but didn't change his terrible mood. And we still missed our train and made it to the Endocrinologist a half hour late.

Once at the appointment the doctor came into the room with a somber look on his face. "I'm sorry, but it is cancer we found." The news, while not shocking, was of course still upsetting. The doctor explained that the cancer had grown and at this point may be inoperable. He recommended checking out some of the surgeons at Sloan Kettering and Colombia to see what they thought. He also told us to make an appointment with his Radiologist, as Radioactive iodine treatment may also be an option. He left the room and gave us a few moments. My boyfriend had no reaction, was completely stone-faced. I gave him a hug and told him everything was going to be just fine. He informed me that he wanted to "refuse treatment and just fucking die." That's the spirit. Although the news certainly wasn't encouraging, it definitely wasn't a death sentence either. The doctor explained that my bf needs to start giving a shit about his health and stop acting so immature (he doesn't know about the drugs either.) He said that since he is young and otherwise healthy, there's no reason to think he won't make it if he gets the proper care and treats his body well. Which means - no drugs, no smoking, cutting down on the alcohol, eating right, etc. etc. All the normal stuff. You would think that getting news like this would make someone re-evaluate how they treat their life right? Nope. We're been back in the city now, almost for an hour. And out the door he went, nasty as ever, refusing to let me come with him. I can't fucking believe him.

Today I went back and saw my doctor again to re-check my blood pressure and to have a physical and get some tests done. While it has come down a little, it was still on the high side. She referred me to see a cardiologist, which scares me to no end. I HATE doctors, especially heart doctors. I have terrible anxiety whenever it comes to anything medical or being sick. Today in the office they gave me an EKG and it was all screwed up because of my pounding fearful heart. Why does this shit happen to me? I'm 24 years old and I have high blood pressure and possible heart issues. Not to mention crippling anxiety. My bf has cancer and a heroin addiction. How many bad things can fucking happen to one person?? I look around at all of my friends and I feel like I'm 70 years old.

I'm so fucking torn at this point. I can't can't CAN'T live with someone who abuses drugs and treats me like I'm worthless. It's all just hurt and lies and anger and bullshit and I can't take it anymore. At the same time how can I leave this person when he has cancer?! I do love him of course, but when do you decide it's time to walk away? Why can't he fucking see that he letting his own life slip right through his fingers?? It's seems like an obvious choice to give up the destructiveness and decide that life is worth more than that. Apparently it's not that easy.